DEPRESSED PEOPLE: ARE THEY DATEABLE , MARRIAGEABLE OR NOT?

 

It’s no news how my gee Depression has become so popular and a constant companion today to so many if not everyone, especially the young ones. How this dude manages to mess up people’s mental state is still a mystery in the world of science and general sphere of life.

Like, even the writer of this article is not left behind….lol….so many phases of depression don knack am sotey he had to start praying about it and focus on God more and deliberately start being positive with his thoughts and actions just to stay sane and live a simple life at all times regardless the situations.

 But the essence of this particular article was engineered as a result of the discussion and twitter space I was opportune to join few weeks ago and the question was raised: “Can you date or marry a depressed person? Or Someone that is always depressed? Are depressed people dateable, marriageable or not?”

From my little research and discussions, I had with some open-minded individuals in that space made me realized that there are basically two (2) types of depressed partners:

1.    Those that are Depressed but, actively try to help themselves and understand their responsibilities in making things work.

2.    Those that are Depressed but, choose not to help themselves and put the blame of their conditions/circumstances on people, things, the situation of the country, Life generally, etc.

Honestly, I wouldn’t blame anyone if they choose to end things with the latter one above. The truth is, It can cost one his/her mental health and well-being in the long-run. The harsh reality and truth are that, nobody is responsible in fixing a depressed fellow; And if there is a tendency of them hurting themselves and hurting you as well, I’ll humbly advise you opt out because Life itself is freaking stressful; Not to mention the situation and hardship of the country—NIGERIA.

But, if you have the conviction to go all in for LOVE, why not? I will ginger you to stay and face it squarely. But I will also recommend you invite a professional therapist to assist as well as LOVE alone is not enough.

*****Just to put it out there, I also had depression which were quite severe as at that time as I was almost thinking of leaving everything and just go missing without anyone reaching out to me…Like, just vanishing to nowhere. Whilst I didn’t choose such mental disorder to happen to me on purpose, I sure did make the choice to be miserable on my own, all by myself without transferring it/influencing anyone. I was out of sight and out of everyone’s faces for a while and it costed me a lot….I won’t lie. So, the lesson is: Despite your depression, you can still choose what you want to do about it or with it*****

So, what are the Tips for dating/marrying someone with depression? Lemme take you on a sweet ride on some of the hints I learnt from that particular space.

1. Being Knowledgeable: You just have to educate yourself about the illness (the mental state disorder) by reading expert articles online and talking to others who have been in similar relationships. This will help you gain a deeper understanding of what your partner is experiencing and how you can be of help by being more empathetic.

2. Being Flexible: You need to stay flexible with your plans and your dealings with him/her. For example; If you’ve made plans for a night hangout or date night with him/her and some close friends, don’t be overly disappointed if that particular night comes and him/her doesn’t feel like hanging out with you and/or others. Just learn to take the change of plans in your stride....lol...it is what it is!

(PS: Like I earlier mentioned, it’s not going to be an easy journey oh….lol…But, like they say: Things we do for LOVE right?....So buckle up and get ready for unbelievable crashing of plans on a steady)

3. Don’t Patronize the Blame Game: You shouldn’t blame them for their conditions, but it’s equally important not to blame yourself either. Oftentimes, you might find yourself wondering if you said something wrong or did something to upset him/her. Always remember, their depression is not about you—it’s a mental illness.

4. Avoid Having the Urge of Being A FIXER: Dear Someone, don’t try to “fix” them; Because depression is not something you can fix with kindness and love alone. There is no magic cure that can get rid of depression overnight, instead learn what triggers their depression and talk about coping strategies. And again, involve an expert/therapist abeg.

5. Not Everything Is About Depression; There could be genuine concerns or issues about the relationship. Don't be quick to dismiss them thinking that it must be a depression-related issue or concern. Let’s learn to be sensitive at all times.

6. You Sef Matter: Don’t turn off your own needs oh! The fact that you're dating someone or married to someone with depression doesn't mean that your needs, thoughts and problems don’t count…abeg oh! Always remind them often how much you love them. Try to separate their illness from who they truly are & don't use it to define them. But if they make you feel some type of way, biko clear them sharp sharp….God no go shame us oh!

7. The Matter Go Too Choke: It simply means that you should be prepared to work extra hard on your sex life….lol….I’m not trying to scare you oh. But believe you me, there will be instances when you feel frustrated or unloved. Please, be sensitive enough and understanding to talk about your feelings and sexual needs with him/her openly. 

(PS: Before una go crucify me for promoting SEX; This particular Tip is for married couples oh....I repeat, Tip No.7 is for married couples/married partners oh....God no go shame us oh!)

8. Be Involved: Learn to be involved in their depression journey. Please, don’t be afraid to get involved as it’s very necessary, very assuring and reassuring. If he/she is comfortable with you joining them for treatment or ask you to accompany them to any of the therapy sessions, by all means, biko GO WITH THEM….Get involved!

Finally, the best thing you can do for them is to be there at all times. Be the Cheerleader they always dreamed of and wanted so badly. Be the support system within the set boundaries and always recognize and appreciate the hard work they’re putting in getting better and into healing because the matter no easy at all!

And to those already juggling depression and love, GOD NO GO SHAME UNA OH!….GOD BLESS YOU ALL ABUNDANTLY.

God bless you for reading!!!!